Thursday, March 21, 2013

Musings

I've been thinking about something.  Pondering, really.   Have the lives we've led made our children proud?  Or do they have to make excuses for mommy and daddy, because daddy is passed out on the couch and mommy is pilled up cooking in the kitchen.  Oh, for those happy pills.

I don't for one second know that our actions as parents imprint on our children's lives forever.  It shapes and molds them.  I also think that the biggest role model for a child is their same sex parent.  So, does that mean I've done deep damage by the choices I've made in my person life for my daughter?  I never said I was a perfect mother, but I think I've done pretty well holding her together considering she's a one parent child.  Will my being married to her abusive father affect her despite the fact I left him when she was a baby?  What did it do to her that I had a child out of wedlock without the father around for 12 years of her brothers life?

What about the fact that I was married for nearly 10 years to a man who didn't love her, never showed her affection, and never hid the fact?  No matter how much I stepped up to protect her from that behavior, she KNEW the reality of it all and I know it had to hurt her.  How many rings of hell will I endure for that one?

Then, what about the face that I left that man to be with my present husband?  The long lost father of my son, the one born out of wedlock that never came around or did shit for us.  Whether I've begun to wonder if that was a good idea or not, what did it SHOW her about being a woman?  One to live a life for herself, not others?

My therapist applauds my attempts at motherhood for all three of my children.  She says that I sacrificed my own happiness in order for my kids to be happy.  Is that really true?  Because I have my doubts.

When it was just me and my daughter I made an unspoken vow to her that I would make her proud of me.  I'd go back to college and become something.  To show her that it was possible to get out of an abusive relationship and be a better woman for it.  To be strong and empowered.  Seems know that vow blew away in the wind.

I want my daughter to have self confidence, be strong, and have the balls to stand up for herself.  Did I make that baby girl into that?  Did I do a good job? Or did I fail her miserably?

I guess only time will tell.


1 comment:

Kelly said...

You sound, like I do, incredibly hard on yourself as a mother. It's easy to do, and I won't tell you not to, but I'm just observing.

I am trying not to screw up my son, but I am sick, too. I just pray and hope for the best, that I can get better in time for it to make a difference.