I was in the bathroom for HOW long???

Working my 6th step, I discovered that a lot of my character defects originated from fear. Fear of rejection. Or losing someone that I love. Or loving someone and wanting them to love only me. I promise that it's not from any place of malice either. Not even discontent. It's pure o.l.d. fear. Fear has being the reigning factor in my life.



My entire life could be equated to a carnival cruise ship and I feel like I've been the only engine running this piece of shit. I haven't let my fear show at all during these last 7 months but just because no one has recognized it, doesn't mean I'm not feeling it. Cuz I have felt the fear; that sitting in the tub until the waters ice cold and you never even notice kinda fear. The kinda fear that only you can feel ratting your bones inside an oh so still body. The kind of fear that screams for you to run like hell yet you remain toe to toe with this whole hateful world.



I'm afraid that me & Joe are in the middle of a big fucked up hurrinador and we don't stand a chance. We both have so much garbage we drag around behind us and then you add in the exes. It's so hard to not take my frustration out on him, especially when I don't think he's doing enough to stop the shit that's going on. I take a step back from what he's not doing & the fear starts playing with me. I have these thoughts that maybe there is a reason he's NOT doing what I'd do. He says he loves me more than this, that & everything in between....but how can I BE SURE he does?? Surely there is a test to determine the sincerity of these male species??



I'm afraid that all these huge life changes I made this past year are going to have colossally fucked up consequences on my children. I 100% agree that I stayed married to le pussy for 9 years too long, but perhaps I should have been more careful and deliberate in my actions? Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps......Why is it that I always second guess & torment myself over things already done? Yes, it's because I f-f-f-f-feeeeeeearrrrrrr.....

I'm also afraid that this higher power I'm entrusting my life to is really a just a nice fluffy cloud and that I really am on my own in this carnival life I've got. I guess that just for today I'm going to do it like I did in the beginning; fake it till I make it.

Peace & love, bitches.