Sour

Yeah, so I know I've been a terrible blogger.  You don't know anything and that must drive you nuts.  What's she doing? Where's she been?  Cuz I know that I stay at the top of your list of things to think about.  :)

I guess I don't blog anymore because of that damn Twitter.  I mean, if you are getting an update in real time,  why blog? Why blog when I'm in school writing shit all the time and I'm sick of writing? Are either of those really good excuses?

So, nothing is new with me.  Life's rocking on as usual.  I'm still in school and it's still kicking my ass.  Everyday I wonder why I went back and got myself into this shit.  Everyday I am overwhelmed.  From something.  Anything, everything.  Everything.

I feel a lack of control in almost every aspect of my life.  My home life.  My children.  My relationship with my husband.  This experience of being a student again.  I was so much better at being a student of life.  Not that I learned much.  Or maybe I learned too much.

I haven't been to therapy since December, but that's simply because of time constraints.  Or my making excuses not to go, who really knows.  I know that I need to go, especially since the month of March is slamming it's way towards me, and we all know what happens to my mental health in March.

The doctor has changed my meds time and time to again because nothing seems to lift the sadness from my shoulders.  I cry easily.  As in going down the road and crying to a stupid Katy Perry song that reminds me of someone I used to know.  Who does that?  I'm a grown ass woman, I've got responsibilities that don't go along with crying and wah wah sadness.  Sometimes I just think that being sad is who I am.  I mean, I was always sad, even as a kid.  Long before the bad things happened to me.

 Maybe I'm just the little sour girl.  

Don't get me wrong about this.  I'm happy with my life right now.  Red is doing better than ever and the children are doing great.  Ab is about to graduate in a few months and will be going to college.  I know what I have to be grateful for, and don't take advantage of anything.  I realize that while things are hard, that they could be harder.   I own my gratitude.

But.

I'm not going to hang anyone out to dry in this post.  Not even myself.  There shall be no blaming fingers pointed, well, maybe in the mirror.  But other than that, I'm good.

Kind of like the Sour Patch Candy that starts off sour and ends up sweet.

Maybe that's the perfect analogy of me.  Just maybe.  

Later, bitches.

Back to the Basics

There used to be a time when I first got clean that I wanted everything to happen to me RIGHT THEN.  I wanted to chair meetings a week clean.  I wanted to do service work with two weeks clean.  I wanted to work with recovering addicts a month out.  Now, now,now is the mantra of the just clean addict.  But wanting what we want when we want it is what an addict is all about anyway, so there's nothing new with my behavior back then. 

Now that I can do those things, I'm complacent and lazy.  About my recovery that is.  I couldn't even tell you the last meeting that I've been to, and it's been 2 weeks since I've spoken to my sponsor.  I have been doing my step work though, and maybe that's keeping me grounded.  Maybe I'm so super busy with mommy/wife/student that I don't have time to get ungrounded. 

But I've got to admit that not taking care of me isn't what I know I should be doing.  And, it's not that I don't try to do the certain things that are required of a solid recovery program.  Meetings, calling your sponsor.  I just can't catch my sponsor, we're both back in school and have similar crazy lives.  I've got a litany of excuses as to why I haven't made a meeting, and on paper they make sense.  No time.  No gas money to drive an hour to a meeting. Blah, blah, blah. 

I feel like I'm betting my entire future by not watching out for myself spiritually at the same time that so many great things are happening to me.  I'm back in school and I'm super stoked about it.  It's been more of a challenge since last Semester, but maybe working harder for it will make me appreciate it all the more.  Then again, I've felt that maybe I'm too old and brain dead to even be in school.  Having grades that aren't A's and B's isn't something I'm accustomed to, and have been a hard pill to swallow.

Perhaps if I were working a better program it would be a pill that would go down a bit easier?

Up, Up & Away

My oldest (18) hates me and my husband and wants to move out.  She actually refers to him as Satan and told me that I'm a bad mother.  Talk about splitting my proverbial heart into. 

I am first to admit that my husband has spent more time mourning the child he left in another state than he has attempting to build relationships with my children. (One of which is his) I also know that being a step parent is probably one of the hardest jobs in the world and I wouldn't want it if they were giving it away free.  But still.

Of course, my evil mother has her hand in this bullshit and is stirring the pot even more.  Offering "shelter from this awful house".  What fucking ever.  You aren't a mother, you're my worst enemy.  Anyone else out there not have parents?  I don't, even though they are both alive.  They are useless and non existent in my life.  That's why I've always done better for my kids.  To not be non existent for my own children. 

And now look at how things are going.  Very badly. 

I'm too upset to write anymore of this post. 

Shorty Got Low

I haven't been doing things I ought to.  Like going to therapy.  Or the psych doctor.  Don't ask me why cuz I really don't know.  Well, I do know.  I just don't wanna go.  '

I could blame it on my super crazy life right now.  Mommy hood, wifey poo, student, laundress extraordinaire, but it's all down to the fact that I don't wanna go.  Truth never hurt anyone, now did it?

Red's keeping me busy these days (as usual).  He's still  having a hard time adjusting to the fact that his father moved out of town and he acts out on me because of it. 

It's also been an uphill battle for me to get him any help at the school for all his problems.  Never believe anyone when they say it's easy to get a disabled child help.  It's not and they are a fucking liar if they try and sell you that shit.  I've practically had to grab these bitches by the throat to get anything done, and that's on a minimal level.  They told me at our IEP meeting this week that it'll be after Thanksgiving before they even start the evaluation process with Red.  Why evaluate a child whose been diagnosed by three different physicians?  Waste of tax money and time if you ask me.

 But what do I know?  I'm not even taking care of my own self these days. 

Q&A. Not like T&A

I've gotten a lot of questions about myself lately and thought I'd answer a few.

1. How old were you the first time you began to cut?
5

2. Did you ever prosecute the cousin who molested you?
No, I never told anyone.

3. When did you start using drugs?
Around 18 or so.

4. What made you stop using?
Can you say po-po?

5. Do you have tattoos?
Yes

6. Any piercings?
Just in ears.

7. How old is your youngest son with Aspergers?
8

8. How many times have you been married?
3

9. How many kids do you have?
3. 2 boys and 1 girl.

10. Who raped you as an adult?
None of your business.

11.  How have you stayed clean for so long?
Working a program of Narcotics Anonymous and by the grace of God.

12.  Is your husband a recovering addict?
Nope

13.  Do your kids know about your history?
Every bit of it.

14.  What's your favorite music?
Classic rock

15.  Why are you so rabid in your political views?
Because I love my country.

16. Do you know who you will vote for in 2212?
Depends on whose the Democratic candidate.

17.  What's your hair color?
Dark brown

18.  How tall are you?
I'm short,  5'3

19.  Ever been in a fist fight?
As a teenager, but I wouldn't stop now if it were to defend my children.

20.  Are you a pet lover?
I have 2 dogs but that doesn't mean that I love them.

21.  Do you think Michael Jackson was guilty of child abuse?
I really couldn't care any less than I already do.

22.  If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?
Too many to pick just one.

23.  How do you deal with all the things that have happened to you?
I go to lots and lots of therapy.  Plus the program.

24.  You've mentioned you have Bipolar, how do you handle that?
Take my medicine for it.

25.  Do you have any guns?
No, I'm afraid of guns.

26.  What do you think of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan?
I support our troops completely, but not the politics that keep them over there.

27. How old were you the first time you voted?
18

28.   How many jobs have you had?
         Several, but my career as an RN lasted over 10 years.

29. What's your stance on abortion?
       I'm pro-choice

30.  Is it hard having a gay father?
       No, it means I have two dads. 

31.  Why is your relationship with your mother so cantankerous?
        You tell me and we'll both know.

32.  How old are your kids?
       18.15.8

33.  Boxers or briefs?
      Who cares, I don't have to wear them now do I?

34.  Do you have a bad temper?
       Not anymore.

35.  Forgive or forget?
       Why not both?

36.  Are you a girly girl or tomboy?
       Girly

37.  What's something you'd like to have more of?
       Tattoo's.

38.  What's the best thing being in recovery taught you?
        That I can still be spiritual and tell someone to fuck off.

39.  Do you dislike anyone right now?
        Why waste the energy?

40.  Whose your best friend?
        My husband

41.  What's your favorite time of year?
        I like summer and fall the best.

42.  Why go back to school?
        Because I have to.

43.  Why did you stop blogging so much?
        I guess I got too busy doing other things.

44.  Ever had a threesome?
       No.  Pervert.

45.  Do you believe in soul mates?
       Absolutely!'

46.  What do you like to listen to on the radio?
        Howard Stern

47.  Are you a feminist?
       Yes, but don't be trying to burn my bra's please.

48.  How were you married to 2 cops if you can't stand cops?
       That's an excellent question.

49.  What's your favorite TV show?
        I enjoy True Blood, Sons of Anarchy, and Boardwalk Empire.

50.  What do you want to be when you grow up?
        Not a fucking Republican. 

How did I get this old?

My oldest just turned 18 last Tuesday, leaving me to feel 81.  I can't help but wonder where all the years went, and went by so fast.  I don't feel old.  I still feel 18 myself,. just a lot more smarter than back then.  It's just hard for me to realize (and accept) that every time my eyes open I'm one more day closer to death.  Yay, death.

I even feel that my body is turning against me.  This is proven by my recent hysterectomy in July that left me floored and barely able to recover.  How did I get to the point in life that I no longer need a uterus?  Now I'm officially old.  No more baby maker, regardless of the fact I never wanted another child, but I at least wanted the option to be my choice.  Now, that's gone due to health problems that were out of my control, making me once again feel as if my body is turning against me.  Wah.  Maybe I am old. 

I keep hearing that 40 is the new 30.  What bullshit.  Everytime I write my age on something I want to cry.  Another part of me is grateful that I made it this far.  I mean, I celebrate each birthday considering that at 17 I nearly died, not to mention the years I spent abusing my body with dope.  I should consider myself lucky.  Not old. 

I haven't even mentioned the insecurity that I feel as a woman.  Will my husband want to trade me in for a younger model?  Am I still appealing in his eyes?  He may say that I am, but I still have doubts when it comes to this.  Sometimes I feel that I'm doing pretty good for a 40 year old, other times I feel like Snow White's evil step mother on crack.  To make all this insecurity even worse for me is the fact that I've taken my old ass back to school and I'm surrounded by these young, hot girls that I "used" to be like.  Wah. 

Where'd my youth go?  Do I truly want it back? Look at all the stupid things young people do because they think they know it all when they truly know jack shit.  Just think you 21 year old's, in 10 years you'll realize how truly ridiculous you were and instead of going out every night, you'll be fine sitting home and watching t.v as a "good time".  HA.  You have no idea what's ahead of you, you silly fucks. 

Oh, my youth.  Where did you go?

Redalicious

I don't write about Red anymore.  Truth being it's too hard for me to articulate how I feel about the situation.  The Apraxia.  The Asperger's, the learning disability.  His constant bad behavior at school and always making F's.  How he passed 2nd grade is beyond me, and so far into this school year he's already struggling behind.  I don't see how he can catch up.  It tears my heart out. 

I know that for me, self blame is a big part of my own suffering the situation.  I feel as if I'd done this, he'd be a "normal" child. Had I not done that he'd not have these problems.  But in the end it's all futile because it is what it is and I have to deal with it.  Trouble is, I don't know how to deal with it.  I'm at the end of my rope and feel like a bad mother. 

Seems like with the 2 older children, I had it more together.  I was more involved in their school work and they were so much more easier to deal with.  Of course they were, they weren't Autistic.  We could study spelling words without a complete nuclear meltdown that ends up in my getting hit.  Sometimes I feel resentment towards Red that makes me even more guilty that before.  I'm at a loss as what to do. 

My stress level is thru the roof.  With the two older children involved in everything in high school, I have to handle them on top of the real problem in the household.  I feel as if 'm juggling butcher knives and they are directly aimed at my throat. 

I just don't know what to do.